Originally, I decided to to upper body on one day and lower body the other. This left a day of rest for each set of muscles. Of course, I had heard that 2 days of rest is best and I had simply forgotten about that. Two days ago, I had worked on my chest and back and this morning my chest is still very sore. So I decided to break it up into a 3 day routine. I so glad that it is easy to maintain and adjust using the tools that I have chosen to use.

Even with these changes, I have already been able to achieved significant gains in the two weeks that I have been going to the gym. I look forward to learning more from Sean’s next emails on building muscle.

I was on Facebook this morning and I noticed a YouTube video about a 13 year old boy named Andrew Johnston who sang on Britain’s Got Talent. I have included the video here and I wanted to point out something that is said in the video. It is when Simon Cowell asks young Andrew if his friends support his singing (paraphrased):

Simon: Do you friends support your singing?

Andrew: Well, I get bullied a lot at school.

Simon: Why do they bully you?

Andrew: My mates say they don’t like that kind of music.

Simon: And how do you deal with it?

Andrew: I just carry on singing.

Sometimes, it takes a child for us to see how our fears stop us. What is it that you enjoy doing? What do your friends think of it? Are you going to carry on or are you going to let them tell you what they think and leave your dreams behind?

It’s your choice, not theirs.

Typically, when people think of getting “out-of-the-box” they think in terms of opening your mind to new ideas. What the Arbinger Institute and Brian Klemmer have done is put this phrase into the context of the behaviors that we exhibit when we are relating to other people. Not just face-to-face, but also when you are simply thinking of other people. In fact, these “in your head” relationships are more important than anything outside your head.

Brian Klemmer and the Arbinger Institute  talk about two types of behaviors:

Out-of-the-Box: Seeing yourself and others more or less as we are – as people.

In-the-Box: Seeing yourself and others in a systematically distorted way – others are mere objects.

Whether we are in-the-box or out-of-the-box all starts with self-betrayal. Self-betrayal follows this sequence:

1. An act contrary to what we feel we should do for another person is called an act of self-betrayal.
2. When we betray ourselves, we begin to see the world in a way that justifies our self-betrayal.
   • We see ourselves as more deserving.
   • We see others as less deserving.
3. When we see a self-justifying world, our view of reality becomes distorted.
4. So…when we betray ourselves, you enter the box – you become self-deceived.
   • We inflate others’ faults.
   • We inflate our own virtues.
   • We inflate the value of things that justify our self-betrayal.
   • We blame.
5. Overtime, certain boxes become characteristics of us, and we carry them with us.
6. By being in-the-box, we provoke others to be in the box as well.
7. In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in-the-box.

What doesn’t work in-the-box and why?

Attempting to change others – WE are the problem!
Doing our best to “cope” with others – The blame continues.
Leaving – The box stays with us.
Communicating – We communicate our “in-the-box” feelings.
Implementing new skills/techniques – Leads to more sophisticated blame.
Changing our behavior – We continue to see other people as objects.

The box is a metaphor for how we resist others. We may be in-the-box towards some people and out-of-the-box towards others. When we have out-of-the-box moments with our out-of-the-box relationships, we allow ourselves to question our own virtues which allows us to be out-of-the-box in that moment. If we recognize and carry this self-questioning to our typically in-the-box relationships, it helps us get out-of-the box with them.

By deciding to do something for someone else, we are immediately out-of-the-box towards them in that moment.

Knowing the Material

1. Self-betrayal leads to self-deception and “the box”.
2. When we are in-the-box, we cannot focus on results.
3. Our influence and success will depend on being out-of-the-box.
4. We get out-of-the-box as you cease resisting others.

Living the Material

1. Don’t look for perfection. Do continue to become better.
2. Don’t use the words “the box”. Do use the techniques.
3. Don’t look for others’ boxes. Do look for your own.
4. Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do strive to stay out of your own.
5. Don’t give up on yourself when you discover you’ve been in the box. Do push forward.
6. Don’t deny you’ve been in the box. Do apologize and push forward.
7. Don’t focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right.
8. Don’t worry whether others are helping you. Do worry whether you are helping others.

The most important concept of the box is this:

We won’t know who we work and live with until we leave the box and join them.

This book is very well written. It takes the form of a story about a new manager in a company with a fantastic reputation. You follow along as he meets with the upper management of the company and learns why and how the company has achieved such success. It shows how the management learned from their mistakes, and continue to make mistakes. With the story aspect of the book, it becomes very easy to comprehend the information presented and why it works.

I highly recommend Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box. It really opens your eyes to how you interact with people and allows you to stand beside yourself and see why some relations work and some don’t and how to make them all better.

As we have seen through all of the posts about S.M.A.R.T. goals, having goals is very important if you want to improve your life. However, if you never make a decision about when those goals will be achieved, your mind will never work to help you find the solutions and the actions you need to progress.

By putting a completion date on all of your goals, you will be able to prioritize those goals. Also, because you have broken your goals down into smaller tasks, you need to put a timeframe to each of those tasks. This will create a set of milestones or markers that tell you where you will be on your path to achievement by certain dates. These dates help you focus your attention.

Just think about when you studied for an exam in school. If they never told you when the exam was going to be you may be motivated to study more evenly over time, but it would become frustrating  because you wouldn’t know how much to study or when. This is especially true if you have many other important activities going on. By putting a date on the exam, you can schedule your study time and prioritize it amongst the rest of your life.

While this might give you an insight as to why people cram for exams the night before, cramming is not what I am suggesting you do for your life goals. For some people and for some tasks that works fine to get the job done, but it doesn’t lead to retention or a strong understanding (ask me why I know this), or in terms of life goals, a strong appreciation for the smaller achievements you are making.

If you are having a tendency to cram in those tasks before the time you set for yourself, there are too things to consider. First, did you break down the goals into fine enough detail? Following the exam analogy, did you break your studying up into smaller sections, such as reading specific chapters, working out specific sample problems, etc. Secondly, did you give yourself a realistic amount of time to complete the task? Review your assumptions and make adjustments as needed, but never lose sight of your goals.

By making your goals Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic and Time-Specific, you will be able to more easily adjust and continue when you face obstacles along the way.

I would love to hear about your goals and what you have done to make them more achievable for you. Everyone loves a success story.

You can review the rest of the steps so far by following any of the links below.

SPECIFIC

MEASUREABLE

ACTIONABLE

REALISTIC

TIME SPECIFIC – That’s this one.

As an example, my wife and I have a dream of living in Costa Rica. Part of the process has been designing our future Costa Rican home for about 18 months. The first time I did this, we didn’t even have property to build on. I had everything on a flat, square plot. It was great and it incorporated all of the details I always thought I wanted. Then we went to look at lots and found out that the lots were more interesting than we had ever considered. That is, anything BUT flat and square.

I didn’t just drop the idea of living in Costa Rica. In fact, this new information made the prospect even more exciting. With respect to the house, there were so many new ideas that I could incorporate. In fact, every bit of new information changes what I can or want to do with the house. In fact, I have over 20 different designs that I have played with, dealing with about 5 different concepts.

You can see the latest design on my Flickr page. The house design has changed, but the main idea of living in Costa Rica has always stayed strong. With every new design, I get more and more excited. In fact, this is a great way to visualize the end result of achieving my dream.

So don’t let changes allow you to abandon your dreams. Just look at them closer and see how you can improve them.

When someone tells you that you are not being realistic, isn’t it usually that that person simply isn’t willing to put in the work that is needed to make it happen? Often, when we tell people about our dreams, they are scared of the idea and also scared that we might failed. Everyone close to us wants us to succeed and they are afraid that a failure to achieve our goals would really hurt us.

That being said, you need to know if you are scared to achieve your goals. Are you willing to do what it takes to achieve your goals? Many times, we state a goal, but do not know what it would really take to achieve it. Sometimes, it could be very easy to achieve and other times it might be difficult. The difference isn’t in the difficulty, however. The difference is in whether you know from the start what you will need to do. That is why it is important to be Specific, Measurable, and Actionable, because these steps will help you realize the depth of work required.

By understanding what is required to achieve your goals, you will be able to determine what is reasonable, or realistic, for you. What is realistic to one person may not be for someone else. Therefore, you have to answer that questions for yourself. If you really cannot answer that question, there are probably two things you need to work on. One, you need to do a better job of breaking down your goals so that the steps are in fact reasonable. If all the steps are realistic, then the overall goal must be as well.

The second thing you need to do is learn more about what it is you are looking to achieve. Maybe you need to ask for input from someone who has done what you want to do. If you don’t already have these things as steps in achieving your goal, maybe you should add them in.

Sometimes you can do all of this and still have your head in the clouds. Sometimes those other people are right. Doesn’t that sound horrible? It can be a devastating realization that what you want truly isn’t realistic by anyone’s terms.

Many times, people write down their goals and if they just thought about them, they might see how absurd they are. For example, if you are completely broke and today you decided to write down a goal of having a million dollars in the bank, that would be great. However, if you said you wanted to achieve it by tomorrow, that would be UNrealistic. Sorry, but there is no way around it. Overnight success stories usually omit the months or years of work it took to get to the point where an “overnight” success was even possible.

So just remember, a realistic goal has to be realistic to you. If you are having trouble seeing how it can be realistic, work at breaking it down some more and making each of those chunks realistic. Start with one small step.

You can review the rest of the steps so far by following any of the links below.

SPECIFIC

MEASUREABLE

ACTIONABLE

REALISTIC – that’s this post.

TIME SENSITIVE – hold on, we’re getting there.

The “A” stands for Actionable or Action Oriented. This means the when you write out your goals, you have to write them in the form of an action. This is important because the achievement of your goals requires action on your part. What that action is depends on what you want. By making the goal action oriented, you are being more specific, which as we have already seen, is a key to the whole process of achieving your goals.

So it is not sufficient to write down “Ferrari Modena” on your goal list. This doesn’t tell you whether you want to own one, rent one, see one, see a picture of one, or just dream about one. You need to turn this into an action so that your mind can understand how it is going to help you achieve this goal. And don’t forget to be specific.

Let me give you a couple of examples:

“I want to own a 2007 Ferrari Modena 430 in Ferrari red with tan interior.”

“I want to rent a Ferrari Modena and drive it on the streets of Las Vegas, Nevada.”

Notice in the first case that I put in the year and model of the car. There may be something specific that you like about one particular year. Also, colors are very important because it is easier to capture the image in your mind.

In the second case, why do you want to rent a Ferrari? Where do you envision yourself driving when you do? Add as much detail as you can. What does it sound like? Feel like? Smell like?

That’s it for today. I am going to look at some Ferrari Modena photos and videos now.

When you breakdown your goals into small pieces you greatly increase your chances of achieving that goal. You may also find that you uncover new areas where you can improve, where you would like to spend more time, or where you can outsource certain tasks. Essentially, breaking down your goals gives you insight into new ways you could improve your life overall.

It is important to take away from this the idea that you have to enjoy the path you take towards your goal as much, or more, than the destination itself. If you cannot enjoy what you have to do to get to your goal, do you really expect you will be happy when you finally achieve it? You need to consider why you want to achieve your goal. What will it provide for you? If you still feel that the goal is very important for you, but you cannot enjoy the journey, maybe there is another path to get there.

In making this decision, you must be careful not to think that the path you have taken is wrong. You can achieve your goals by any number of paths. Maybe this is simply a time to “correct and continue.”

Care should also be taken to examine why you are unhappy. There may be something hidden that you may not be consciously aware of. For instance, maybe you are actually afraid of achieving your goal. This happens in a great number of cases and is often a subconscious issue.

If you do not take the time to figure out why you are unhappy, even if you change paths, you may find that you are still unhappy. This may repeat itself as you jump from path to path and would be an indication that the problem resides within you, and has nothing to do with the paths you choose.

If you can figure out what is troubling you, you may find that you begin to enjoy the path you are on, placing the achievement of your goal within your grasp.

When you breakdown your goals into small pieces you greatly increase your chances of achieving that goal. While you go through this exercise, however, ignore the impulse to look for complicated solutions. Instead, look for ways to simplify and find tasks that you can complete easily.

Take a look at the picture that Fred sent to me. Titled “Ikea to sell cars”, it shows how a car sold by Ikea might look when you take it out of the package and take it all in. Of course, the benefit to Ikea is that you only need one tool to complete the entire task (you are always left with extra bits and pieces, so maybe you  will get a few extra features thrown in for free).

In your own life, though, would you ever expect to achieve your goal with one tool if it required the number of steps suggested by this picture? (By “tool”, I mean the skills and resources you have personally, or those that you can beg, borrow, buy or steal from others) Of course not! You will likely need a variety of tools along the way.

So don’t look at the picture of the car, or your goal, as a massive task to undertake with only one tool. Look at the individual pieces and figure out what tool you need to complete that one step.

Your goals are unique and cannot be achieved by shopping at a big box store. So don’t take the Ikea approach to your goals. Break them down and complete the tasks one at a time.

There are two reasons why being able to measure your goals is important. Firstly, being able to measure your progress helps you see that you are in fact making progress. Making progress allows you to stay motivated and keep focused on those goals.

The second reason is that you need to know when you arrive. I touched on this last time when I talked about being specific. When you know what you want, you will know when you have it. If you do not know what you want, you may go on searching and searching, not realizing that you may be wasting energy on somehthing you have already accomplished and could be using that energy towards a new goal.

So how do you measure you goals?

The best way to do that is to break your goal down into smaller and smaller pieces so that you figure out what step to take next. These pieces could be either chunks of time or smaller tasks that need to be accomplished before the next one, or both. These smaller pieces are easier to understand and appreciate when you get started.

Let’s look at our previous example of becoming rich. Let’s assume that you decided that you wanted to accumulate a net worth of $1 million within 5 years. What you would do is break this beast down into more manageable chunks of money in smaller time periods. For example, a linear example would be to break it down as follows:

$200,000 in one year
$50,000 per quarter
$16,667 per month
$4,167 per week
$595 per day.

Once you have gotten to this point, you will agree that figuring out how to make $595 is probably easier than making $1 million. Of course, the breakdown you use depends on how you plan to make the money.

Not every goal will be centered around money, so let’s look at different example. How about running a marathon. You are not going to go out and run a full marathon your first time out. You need to start off by running shorter distances. Depending on your level of fitness, you may even need to start out by getting of the couch and going for a walk.

The purpose of this is to break down your goal in pieces small enough that you can feel comfortable in achieving them. You cannot expect to go out and knock one out of the park on your first attempt. What you need to do is to get up and get going. If it requires a series of very minor tasks to start off, then that is what you need to do.

Whatever your goal, the point is that it is easier to deal with smaller tasks or amounts that you can wrap your mind around and actually commit to achieving. Once you do achieve the first stage of your goal, you can move on to the next. As you get more and more accomplishments under your belt, you start to build a habit of success and this habit makes it easier and easier to achieve the bigger ones ahead.