The book covers a vast array of women and their stories around their sexual difficulties, desires, quirks, failures and triumphs. Regardless of the fact that they may enjoy sex, almost every one talks about the difficulties they have had.

When I started reading the book, I thought it would be a good distraction from the other topics I have been focusing on. However, I was surprised at how much thinking it made me do. After having read the book, I must say I was both impressed and disappointed. Impressed because many of the women, while suffering through some seriously difficult situations, persevered until they found a relationship or came to an understanding that truly worked for them. Impressed also, that these women were willing to share their stories so that other women for who may be going through the same issues, might get some inspiration.  In fact, several times, I envisioned men being in the same situations. These were not necessarily all about women’s issues.

That said, I was also very disappointed by the book. Not by the writing – that was great throughout as most of these women are accomplished writers. No, what I was disappointed by was the fact that Ms Derrow could not find, or at least did not include, a single women who found herself in a relationship that wasn’t doomed from the beginning. I have to question whether she really wanted to get view of the total spectrum of women and sex. I am sure their are many women in the world, even in the US, that have always had fully satisfying sexual relationships. Why not include them?

Besides the situations where the women had obvious psychological trauma at a young age (read sexual abuse), while reading the book I could not help but think that many of the problems were caused by one or both person’s selfish attitudes. The stories are filled with infidelity by women and men alike. Also, why does sex so frequently  have to be associated with drugs and alcohol? You cannot expect your relationship to last if drugs or alcohol are required or used to make things work. I sometimes think that Hollywood sensationalizes these issues, but reading this book I was reminded that the movies come from someone’s mind, someone with the experience to dream up the story. This stuff really happens, and many people suffer through life in bad relationships because they do not have enough self esteem, they have been abused or they are just too selfish to get over themselves.

When I look at my relationship with my wife, I see something that continues to grow each day. Not something that I expect with wane over time and become something that I will have to put up with. I see it as a future together with so many adventures yet to be had. I’m no saint and I have my selfish moments like everyone else, but I don’t forget why I got into this relationship in the first place. I love my wife. It’s that simple. We have a great life together. We have three great children. We dream together. We plan together. We share responsibilities. We contribute equally and we receive equally. It is not about servitude, and I am happy to serve my wife. It is not about compromise, and I have no problem if sometimes I have to yield a little. It is not all about the kids, and I love working around their schedules.

People really need to start taking responsibility for their actions. There is simply no excuse for the crap that happens every day in this country and countries around the world. If you are old enough to have sex, you are old enough to understand the consequences of your actions. Stop blaming it on the alcohol. Stop blaming it on your parents. Stop blaming it on religion. Stop blaming…and take responsibility! So many problems would be solved or prevented if people just stood up and took responsibility, thought about the consequences of their actions and stopped expecting someone else to fix their problems. More time and effort is spent fixing problems caused by irresponsible people than on the issues that really matter.

Like I said, I’m no saint and I am extremely happy that I had a happy childhood. But come on people! We can do better than this!

The book is Making Sense of Men – A Woman’s Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men, by Alison Armstrong. I’m sure you can tell by the title that this book was not intended for me, and I guess I should feel a bit guilty about reading it. However, I think it is important to learn what others think of me, so that I can understand their point of view. In this case, what one intelligent woman thinks of men.

I have read and listened to many of this Alison’s products and I am amazed every time. She is very good at explaining the “complex simplicity” of men. By that I mean, men are in fact simple, straightforward beings and woman assume we are very complex and hard to understand, because they see us as hairy, misbehaved women.

What this book does is explain how men respond to women and how a woman’s behavior basically determines that behavior. Since the woman is therefore in control of the situation, a man will respond differently to different woman.

The purpose for understanding this is to enlighten women to understand that there are two ways to get attention from men. Attraction and Affection. The vast majority of people (men and women included) work on the things that attract the opposite sex. Ultimately, this attraction for a man is sexual in focus.

You can’t blame us. That’s what 40,000 years of evolution has given us and, really, it is kind of necessary.

Women, on the other hand, often feel that while sexual attraction is great, it is not the be all end all of their needs. Women start by thinking the sexual attraction is going to blossom into something else. The problem, is while it might to appear that way at the start, at some point, the “magic” disappears and the men change and all the sizzle is lost.

That’s because the sizzle has no substance.

What women fail to understand is that sexual attraction is not the be all end all for men either. If you are a man and you disagree with me, give it a few years and you will see what I mean.

What the book explains is that there are four main triggers for sexual attraction for a man. But I won’t get into those, because they only lead to sexual attraction and that is not what women (or men) ultimately need or want.

In her research, Alison has found there are four things that draw the attention of a men in the way that women truly crave – Affection. Those four things, listed in their order of priority, are: Self-Confidence, Authenticity, Passion and…I save the last one.

The great thing about all of these traits is that one leads to the next. When a woman is self-confident, she is more apt to be authentic about herself. When a woman is more authentic, she shares her passions.

While many people think of men as simple in the sense that they lack many redeeming qualities, men are actually very perceptive. Men have the amazing ability to sense the abundance, or lack, of self-confidence and authenticity that a woman radiates. It is these traits that really make a man want to be with a woman for the rest of his life. Not the four things that I failed to mention (Read the book!).

When a man senses these traits and he learns of her passions, he will do everything in his power to be with, take care of, protect, contribute to, make happy and fall in love with that woman. This is where the change for the worse typically occurs.

Woman have been trained, especially in this modern age, to take care of themselves and prove that they do not need men to support them. And that is true, women don’t need us. But that is not the point. The point is that men want to…be with, take care of, protect, contribute to, make happy and fall in love with women. This is our our entire purpose when we find “The One.”

Let me repeat, “If you are a man and you disagree with me, give it a few years and you will see what I mean.”

So why the change? Why do we become…well…Jerks?!? The change comes from the last of the four affection getters…Receptivity.

The stereotypical “simpleness” of men comes out at this point. While we are being with, taking care of, protecting, contributing to, making happy and falling in love with women, we want to know that you want and appreciate it.

Women, it’s sooo simple. “That’s wonderful.” “Thank you so much to being there.” “It means so much to me.” Phrases on those lines do wonders. Stroke our little egos and we will continue to…be with, take care of, protect, contribute to, make happy and fall in love with you with more and energy and commitment…’til death do us part.

Problem is, many women are not sufficiently self-confident to accept the caring, protective, contributions that men work so hard to approve. They do not feel deserving of such treatment. They question the intention of the deeds. They build a wall that the man is must knock down before he can succeed. A man will try and try and try, but if they feel like nothing they do matters or is appreciated, at some point they will say, “You need someone who can take care of you.” He is hardwired to give up because “he is not capable of doing what he needs to do.”

The irony is that the list of things that the man is doing… being with, taking care of, protecting, contributing to, making happy and falling in love with…are all the things that woman want. We both want the same things, but from opposite sides. It is a duplicity. You can’t have giving without receiving. If you cannot have one without the other, then one cannot be better or worse than the other.

Therefore, a self-confident, authentic women who embraces her passions and is receptive to a man’s efforts will have a relationship that growths and strengthens “until death do us part.”

Get the book. You will be glad you did.

+++++

In today’s world there are so many worries. Recently, we have been told about the Swine Flu and how important it is to wash our hands, cover our mouths when we cough, take more vitamin C as some of the precautions that may protect us from getting the flu. Weekly there’s some new awfulness to consider like the Wall Street financial breakdown, job losses, 401k losses, home devaluation, high gasoline prices, school violence, lack of health insurance, global warming, bankruptcies of companies to big to fail and so forth. It appears that many things are falling apart. Change is occurring without your input.

One of the best ways to deal with uncertainty is to invest in your relationships especially your marriage. A healthy relationship will pay dividends year round and most especially during hard times the benefits will be substantial. Relationships are investments that are worthy of our time and effort. As a marriage partner you can reinvest your dividends or take a loss. Dividends are trust, warmth, safety and love. Losses are distrust, fear, anger, apathy and jealousy. Marriages, like investments, need our attention on a regular basis not just in time of a crisis. Ten ways to invest into your marriage are:

1. Be open to change. Change is something that cannot be avoided. Learn to embrace it by focusing on “what is” rather than on “what should be”.

2. Learn to listen. Real listening is based on attention. It is important to take the time required and give your full attention to your partner. If you find you are too distracted then say so and establish another time that will work for both of you.

3. Be open to new ways of being together. It is easy to do the same activities week after week especially if you are raising children and have a demanding job. Consider doing different activities as a couple as a way to add zest to your relationship.

4. Take care of yourself. The ability to love another person is based on how well you care for yourself.

5. Be grateful, each day, for one thing about your companion. Accent the positive rather than the negative. Your relationship will thrive.

6. Be generous. Difficulties arise when the focus is exclusively on what is wrong in the relationship. Remember your spouse, like you, is doing their best.

7. Ask for support. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Let your spouse know how you want to be supported.

8. Risk being vulnerable. Be willing to let your spouse know how you feel rather than pretend or avoid your feelings.

9. Make time for each other. Scheduling time together, on a weekly basis, will alleviate stress in your marriage.

10. Learn to respond to each other rather than react. Reacting is an impulsive act. While reacting may provide immediate relief, it will often have long-term negative consequences.

This article was written by Charlotte A. Michie.

Charlotte A. Michie is in private practice in Cary, NC as a licensed clinical social worker. She offers traditional and alternative approaches to emotional healing. For more information about her practice visit her website http://www.camichie.com.

Maybe you got married and had kids, then the marriage turned sour. Don’t dwell on the bad marriage, rejoice in that fact that that marriage blessed you with wonderful children. If you didn’t have children, rejoice in the fact that you now know what not to do or who not to do it with the next time. Learn from the experience. As an aside, if you are in a bad marriage and have kids, you can still go after your dream of finding true love.

Instead of staying in a bad marriage “for the kids”, why not get out of a bad marriage “for the kids.” Show them that just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you can’t learn from it, adjust, and continue to shoot for your dreams. Show them that love is something to shoot for.

Never settle, it sets a bad example.