Making Sense of Me
Sometimes when you want to grow as a person, it is good to learn about yourself first. In my case, I want to know who the real Kyle Edginton is. I want to know who I am as a man and who I am as a person. Today, I read a book that took me a step closer to uncovering some of that mystery.
The book is Making Sense of Men – A Woman’s Guide to a Lifetime of Love, Care and Attention from All Men, by Alison Armstrong. I’m sure you can tell by the title that this book was not intended for me, and I guess I should feel a bit guilty about reading it. However, I think it is important to learn what others think of me, so that I can understand their point of view. In this case, what one intelligent woman thinks of men.
I have read and listened to many of this Alison’s products and I am amazed every time. She is very good at explaining the “complex simplicity” of men. By that I mean, men are in fact simple, straightforward beings and woman assume we are very complex and hard to understand, because they see us as hairy, misbehaved women.
What this book does is explain how men respond to women and how a woman’s behavior basically determines that behavior. Since the woman is therefore in control of the situation, a man will respond differently to different woman.
The purpose for understanding this is to enlighten women to understand that there are two ways to get attention from men. Attraction and Affection. The vast majority of people (men and women included) work on the things that attract the opposite sex. Ultimately, this attraction for a man is sexual in focus.
You can’t blame us. That’s what 40,000 years of evolution has given us and, really, it is kind of necessary.
Women, on the other hand, often feel that while sexual attraction is great, it is not the be all end all of their needs. Women start by thinking the sexual attraction is going to blossom into something else. The problem, is while it might to appear that way at the start, at some point, the “magic” disappears and the men change and all the sizzle is lost.
That’s because the sizzle has no substance.
What women fail to understand is that sexual attraction is not the be all end all for men either. If you are a man and you disagree with me, give it a few years and you will see what I mean.
What the book explains is that there are four main triggers for sexual attraction for a man. But I won’t get into those, because they only lead to sexual attraction and that is not what women (or men) ultimately need or want.
In her research, Alison has found there are four things that draw the attention of a men in the way that women truly crave – Affection. Those four things, listed in their order of priority, are: Self-Confidence, Authenticity, Passion and…I save the last one.
The great thing about all of these traits is that one leads to the next. When a woman is self-confident, she is more apt to be authentic about herself. When a woman is more authentic, she shares her passions.
While many people think of men as simple in the sense that they lack many redeeming qualities, men are actually very perceptive. Men have the amazing ability to sense the abundance, or lack, of self-confidence and authenticity that a woman radiates. It is these traits that really make a man want to be with a woman for the rest of his life. Not the four things that I failed to mention (Read the book!).
When a man senses these traits and he learns of her passions, he will do everything in his power to be with, take care of, protect, contribute to, make happy and fall in love with that woman. This is where the change for the worse typically occurs.
Woman have been trained, especially in this modern age, to take care of themselves and prove that they do not need men to support them. And that is true, women don’t need us. But that is not the point. The point is that men want to…be with, take care of, protect, contribute to, make happy and fall in love with women. This is our our entire purpose when we find “The One.”
Let me repeat, “If you are a man and you disagree with me, give it a few years and you will see what I mean.”
So why the change? Why do we become…well…Jerks?!? The change comes from the last of the four affection getters…Receptivity.
The stereotypical “simpleness” of men comes out at this point. While we are being with, taking care of, protecting, contributing to, making happy and falling in love with women, we want to know that you want and appreciate it.
Women, it’s sooo simple. “That’s wonderful.” “Thank you so much to being there.” “It means so much to me.” Phrases on those lines do wonders. Stroke our little egos and we will continue to…be with, take care of, protect, contribute to, make happy and fall in love with you with more and energy and commitment…’til death do us part.
Problem is, many women are not sufficiently self-confident to accept the caring, protective, contributions that men work so hard to approve. They do not feel deserving of such treatment. They question the intention of the deeds. They build a wall that the man is must knock down before he can succeed. A man will try and try and try, but if they feel like nothing they do matters or is appreciated, at some point they will say, “You need someone who can take care of you.” He is hardwired to give up because “he is not capable of doing what he needs to do.”
The irony is that the list of things that the man is doing… being with, taking care of, protecting, contributing to, making happy and falling in love with…are all the things that woman want. We both want the same things, but from opposite sides. It is a duplicity. You can’t have giving without receiving. If you cannot have one without the other, then one cannot be better or worse than the other.
Therefore, a self-confident, authentic women who embraces her passions and is receptive to a man’s efforts will have a relationship that growths and strengthens “until death do us part.”
Get the book. You will be glad you did.