This book report is about Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Boxby the Arbinger Institute.

Typically, when people think of getting “out-of-the-box” they think in terms of opening your mind to new ideas. What the Arbinger Institute and Brian Klemmer have done is put this phrase into the context of the behaviors that we exhibit when we are relating to other people. Not just face-to-face, but also when you are simply thinking of other people. In fact, these “in your head” relationships are more important than anything outside your head.

Brian Klemmer and the Arbinger Institute  talk about two types of behaviors:

Out-of-the-Box: Seeing yourself and others more or less as we are – as people.

In-the-Box: Seeing yourself and others in a systematically distorted way – others are mere objects.

Whether we are in-the-box or out-of-the-box all starts with self-betrayal. Self-betrayal follows this sequence:

1. An act contrary to what we feel we should do for another person is called an act of self-betrayal.
2. When we betray ourselves, we begin to see the world in a way that justifies our self-betrayal.
   • We see ourselves as more deserving.
   • We see others as less deserving.
3. When we see a self-justifying world, our view of reality becomes distorted.
4. So…when we betray ourselves, you enter the box – you become self-deceived.
   • We inflate others’ faults.
   • We inflate our own virtues.
   • We inflate the value of things that justify our self-betrayal.
   • We blame.
5. Overtime, certain boxes become characteristics of us, and we carry them with us.
6. By being in-the-box, we provoke others to be in the box as well.
7. In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in-the-box.

What doesn’t work in-the-box and why?

Attempting to change others – WE are the problem!
Doing our best to “cope” with others – The blame continues.
Leaving – The box stays with us.
Communicating – We communicate our “in-the-box” feelings.
Implementing new skills/techniques – Leads to more sophisticated blame.
Changing our behavior – We continue to see other people as objects.

The box is a metaphor for how we resist others. We may be in-the-box towards some people and out-of-the-box towards others. When we have out-of-the-box moments with our out-of-the-box relationships, we allow ourselves to question our own virtues which allows us to be out-of-the-box in that moment. If we recognize and carry this self-questioning to our typically in-the-box relationships, it helps us get out-of-the box with them.

By deciding to do something for someone else, we are immediately out-of-the-box towards them in that moment.

Knowing the Material

1. Self-betrayal leads to self-deception and “the box”.
2. When we are in-the-box, we cannot focus on results.
3. Our influence and success will depend on being out-of-the-box.
4. We get out-of-the-box as you cease resisting others.

Living the Material

1. Don’t look for perfection. Do continue to become better.
2. Don’t use the words “the box”. Do use the techniques.
3. Don’t look for others’ boxes. Do look for your own.
4. Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do strive to stay out of your own.
5. Don’t give up on yourself when you discover you’ve been in the box. Do push forward.
6. Don’t deny you’ve been in the box. Do apologize and push forward.
7. Don’t focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right.
8. Don’t worry whether others are helping you. Do worry whether you are helping others.

The most important concept of the box is this:

We won’t know who we work and live with until we leave the box and join them.

This book is very well written. It takes the form of a story about a new manager in a company with a fantastic reputation. You follow along as he meets with the upper management of the company and learns why and how the company has achieved such success. It shows how the management learned from their mistakes, and continue to make mistakes. With the story aspect of the book, it becomes very easy to comprehend the information presented and why it works.

I highly recommend Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box. It really opens your eyes to how you interact with people and allows you to stand beside yourself and see why some relations work and some don’t and how to make them all better.